Supporting someone at work
Most workplaces will have employees who have been affected by the heartbreak of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or molar pregnancy. Our recent Miscarriage in the UK report found that 80% of respondents were in employment when they experienced their most recent pregnancy loss.
Not everyone feels able to talk about their loss at work, which means that it can be overlooked in policies and training.
Thoughtful support and management can make a real difference to how people cope.
Understanding miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and molar pregnancy
It’s important to understand pregnancy loss, and the ways in which it can impact those you work with.
We have dedicated pages which go into more depth about the physical and mental impact of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and molar pregnancy.
Everyone experiences loss differently, but these are some common feelings and physical changes they may be dealing with:
- Grief – for the loss of their baby and the future they had imagined
- Many struggle to process the wide range of emotions that can come up from this type of loss, like; shock, anger, anxiety, grief, stress, panic, and in some cases, relief.
- They may be dealing with bleeding and pain, even after they’ve returned to work
- Dramatic changes in hormones as their body adjusts
- Some develop depression, anxiety or PTSD from the trauma they’ve been through. This can also apply to the partner, as they have watched and supported the person they love go through something deeply traumatic, and may feel they can’t ask for help for themselves.
What could they be going through?
Miscarriage affects people in different ways, but they may be:
- having difficulty sleeping,
- finding it difficult to concentrate or to feel motivated,
- struggling with social interaction,
- experiencing mood swings,
- feeling more tearful and/or irritable, and/or
- struggling to remain present for their partner and wider family
- finding it difficult to manage their mental health.
These feelings may affect their productivity or ability to manage in a work environment.
“I was still thinking about my miscarriages and at times I found it difficult to concentrate and felt like I was ‘drowning’ trying to maintain a normal life again.”
Navigating conversations around pregnancy loss
For managers
- Mirror their language. If they refer to their pregnancy loss as losing their baby, be led by them and refer to their baby/baby loss. Likewise, if they use the words ‘pregnancy loss’ or ‘foetus’, use this language yourself – this can help reduce the chance of them being triggered.
- Ensure you recognise the impact on partners. Your employee may be the person experiencing the physical loss, or their partner. The experience of grief can be different for each, but either way, make sure to check in and see how you can be of support.
- Be led by them. Some may want to return to work straight away, where as some may want to take some time off to grieve and process in their own time. As a manager, you could make suggestions of their options, but be led by what they feel suits them. They may also want some time to consider their options, or discuss with their partner – make sure they have the time to do this, so they feel informed and comfortable.
- Continue to communicate after initial disclosure. Their grief won’t end after they’ve left your initial meeting. There is no timeline, and there can be significant ups and downs over time. Make sure to continue to check in, and know that what they need may change over time.
- Accept that what is helpful may change, as their grief is ongoing. Book in follow up meetings, and check in regularly, so that you can check that the measures put in place are still working for them.
“I texted my boss to let her know what had happened. She replied simply with, ‘I’m here if you need anything. Please don’t give work another thought’.”
For colleagues
It’s important to be led by your colleague, but also consider what feels appropriate for your level of closeness.
If they have asked management to make everyone aware while they are off, approaching them in a quiet way to say “I’m so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do to help you?” once they’ve returned to work can be a gentle way of showing support.
If you are close with your colleague, they may have disclosed their loss to you personally, or perhaps when they are still off work. If this is the case, keep in contact.
When told ‘let me know if you need anything’, some people feel overwhelmed, or not sure what they need, so don’t take you up on the offer. Volunteering to take a meal, walk their dog, or help them out with a food shop can be easy ways for them to accept help.
For more ideas of what to say to a colleague, you can take a look at our Simply Say campaign.
“I do believe that saying something is better than nothing – even if you just say, you don’t know what to say, as saying nothing can be perceived that you don’t care. You don’t need to have all of the answers and I don’t think that’s what people would expect. I think it’s about knowing what questions to ask.”
Emma
Ways to show support
It will depend on what feels right, but you could:
- Send flowers or a card, letting them know you’re thinking of them
- Act with care around triggering announcements, such as colleague pregnancy announcements, like giving them a heads up in case they want to avoid the situation
- Consider mentioning Miscarriage UK as a source of support and information
- If you have experienced something similar, and you feel able to share, you could share your experience of pregnancy loss, to help them feel less alone
- Keep checking in over time