Partners
It is sometimes assumed that miscarriage is easier for the partner who was not physically pregnant. But this is your loss, too, and your feelings are valid.
As a partner, there is no right or wrong way to feel. You might feel the same way as your partner, or struggle to understand what they are experiencing. You might feel very sad and upset, or you might not yet have felt an attachment to the baby or pregnancy. However you feel, if you need to talk, we are here for you, too.
“Everyone we know was supportive, but I was struggling to cope… My brother in law sent me a text asking how I was coping and it was as if a weight was lifted. People naturally support the mother of the child, but few had specifically remembered that I’d lost a child as well.”
Feeling helpless
It’s common for partners to feel helpless during pregnancy loss. You can’t control what’s happening and may not even understand what is going on. You may be shocked and concerned at the sight of blood and blood clots and it is hard to see someone you care about in pain and distress.
There is no right or wrong way to feel. It’s normal for different people to feel different things, including:
- shock
- anger
- a sense of loss
- isolated and lonely
- guilty
- a failure
- numb
- helpless and frustrated
- difficulties concentrating
- lack of interest in sex
- anxiety – about your partner, the relationship or a future pregnancy
- impatience – to get back to normal or try again
- relief – if there were days or weeks of uncertainty or pain; or if you didn’t want this pregnancy.
You may find your feelings are different from your partner’s, or that they change over time.
“Shoutout to the partners who stay strong through miscarriage. The ones who tell you over and over that everything will be okay, even though they’re scared too. Who sit through every appointment, hold you while you cry, listen to every breakdown and worry, and still show up every single day, even when no one sees their grief.” Roshni.
Your relationship
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss can impact your relationship in different ways. You may feel closer together or pushed further apart. You may have more arguments or find it harder to say or do the right thing, at a time when you need each other most. You may blame yourselves, or each other. Some couples find that the experience of pregnancy loss brings them closer together, but grief can put a strain on even the strongest relationships. If the strain of your loss is pulling you and your partner apart, you may need to look for outside support. Counselling after a miscarriage is always an option, either together or individually.
“After a month had passed it became more and more difficult to say the right thing. I began throwing myself into work, creating more work just to avoid going home. “
Communicating
You and your partner may experience the same feelings and reactions, or you may react, cope and express yourselves in very different ways. You might find it hard to understand each other’s reactions and feel unsure about how to offer the right support. One of you might need support when the other feels least able to give it.
Talking and listening to each other can help you to understand each other’s feelings and come to terms with your loss. Many people who have experienced pregnancy loss find it helpful to talk through what happened over and over again – and you may find the same.
Recognising your loss
The end of a pregnancy means the loss of hopes and dreams for the future you thought you’d have. It might help just to be aware of that loss and to accept the feelings that go with it.
Accepting your different feelings
You and your partner may feel differently about the loss now or in the future. One of you may still be grieving while the other is ready to move on; one may remember anniversaries that the other forgets. It can help to understand that this is perfectly normal.
What about sex?
After a loss, it’s very common to have questions or worries about intimacy, difficulties having sex and concerns about when it is ok to do so, even if you are not trying to conceive or are using assisted conception. You may want to have sex while your partner is not ready. Or it could be the other way round. One of you may want to start trying again to get pregnant soon after the loss. If the other partner does not feel the same way, this can put pressure on your relationship and your sex life.
After a late miscarriage, soreness or stitches can make having sex difficult. Your partner may feel their body still belongs to the baby, especially if they are producing milk. They may be uncomfortable about the way their body looks. You may fear accidentally causing them pain.
If you had a molar pregnancy or your partner is taking methotrexate after an ectopic pregnancy, you will probably have been advised not to get pregnant again immediately. Having to avoid conceiving may affect desire and intimacy too, particularly if one or both of you really does want to be pregnant again. You may experience vaginal dryness or erection and ejaculation difficulties because of these issues, or for a different reason. It may not be clear why things don’t feel right.
You and your partner may have spent a long time deciding things like whether to have a family and how to get pregnant. This may make a loss feel hard to bear – particularly if it was difficult to conceive.
Feelings about a loss may be more complicated if you had to decide which of you will carry the baby. Depending on how you both feel about pregnancy, you may feel guilty that your partner has to go through the physical experience of loss when you could have been pregnant instead. You might feel sad that they may not experience giving birth, especially if this is something they really want to do, or something you have done in the past. Or you may wonder if things would have been different if you had been the one to carry the baby.
If people around you now or in the past have been negative or hostile about your gender, sexuality or your relationship, you may have kept quiet about the pregnancy. This may make it harder to cope with pregnancy loss because you feel you can’t turn to others for support.
This could put pressure on your relationship. You may struggle to trust some support groups or find they are not set up to welcome and understand LGBTQ+ people.
You may be worried you will be asked intrusive or insensitive questions. Some people find family, friends or colleagues are less supportive or fail to accept you as a co-parent. This can be hurtful. As well as seeking support elsewhere, you may want to show them this information to help them understand.
We have a dedicated online support group for LGBTQ+ on the 2nd Tuesday of the Month.
Some health professionals may assume you are a friend or family member rather than a partner. This can leave you feeling hurt and left out. It might help if one or both of you says ‘this is my wife’ or ‘we are partners’. Perhaps this can be written in your notes too, so other staff don’t make the same mistake over your relationship or gender.
Coping after pregnancy loss – for all partners
After the loss you may be left to deal with all the practical issues: things like passing on bad news, looking after the house and caring for any other children. Some partners find it helpful to focus on practical matters. But it can add to your stress so it may make sense to accept offers of help. If friends and family want to help but don’t know how, they can find more guidance on our website.
Colleagues can be a source of support after a miscarriage. But you may find some don’t even mention your loss. This may be because they don’t see pregnancy loss as distressing for partners – or simply because they don’t know what to say.
Don’t be surprised if the loss leads you to question all sorts of things about yourself, your partner and your priorities in life. This may not be the best time to make major decisions, but it can help if you can keep talking and listening.
Unless you live in Northern Ireland, you are not currently legally entitled to pregnancy-related leave or sickness absence. Some workplaces may have provisions for partners in a pregnancy loss policy or may offer compassionate leave (paid or unpaid). Others may ask you to take unpaid leave or use annual leave if you need time off.
From late 2027, thanks to our Leave for Every Loss campaign, this will change and partners will be legally entitled to take a minimum of one week’s bereavement leave, albeit bereavement leave is presently unpaid.
In Northern Ireland, the rules are different and both intended parents can take up to two weeks’ of paid parental bereavement leave.