Supporting someone through miscarriage
It can be hard to know what to say or do to support someone through miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy.
Everyone experiences pregnancy loss differently, and what helps someone will be different for another, so what is important is to be led by them.
Our community has shared what has helped them feel seen and heard through this difficult time.
You can, Simply Say
Often, the simplest forms of support can mean the most. When someone opens up to you about their loss, you could Simply Say:
‘I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you’re going through this.’
‘This must be so difficult – I can imagine how you must be feeling.’
‘I’m here with you through this – you’re not alone.’
“Sometimes we need to help people find the right words because they are so worried about finding the wrong ones. We need to get the message out that you don’t need to have experienced miscarriage or say some deeply insightful thing, you just need to be honest and ask them to tell you what they can do to help.” – Lizzie
Find out more about out Simply Say campaign here.
What may not be helpful
Sometimes, the comments we make with the best intentions can be upsetting or triggering. You will know if your loved one will respond well to a ‘positive spin’, but many can find that the following comments make them feel like their loss is being minimised.
‘Don’t worry, you’re young. You can always have another baby.’
‘It was probably for the best.’
‘At least you have other children.’
“I don’t want to hear any comment that starts with the words ‘at least’. ‘At least you are young’, ‘at least you can conceive’, or, for me the worst one, ‘at least it wasn’t a real baby yet.’ All I wanted was for someone to give me a hug and acknowledge what had happened.” – Amy
Actions can speak louder than words
Showing up for people affected by pregnancy loss can mean the world. This doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, but seeing what they need and offering to help can make a real difference. For example:
- You could offer to pick some essentials up from the shops when you do errands
- You could suggest that you could amuse their kids for a while, so they can have some downtime, or quality time with a partner‘
- Some find the basics of looking after themselves hard to keep up with – you could take round a meal for them, or drop off a self care basket.
- If you notice your loved one is struggling long term, you could offer to help them look into accessing counselling, or going with them to a GP appointment.
Being mindful of their triggers
Everyone is different, but there are some things that many of our community find upsetting or difficult to handle after pregnancy loss. These include:
- Baby showers or pregnancy announcements at work – you can find out more on how to support a colleague here
- Key dates like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
- Their due dates, or anniversaries of their loss
- The first day of a new school year, where social media is flooded with children outside their front door in new uniform
By checking in ahead of these dates, your loved one will know they feel supported, and the conversation may help them find a way to cope. A simple ‘thinking of you today’ will also help your loved one feel seen during difficult times.
“Don’t underestimate the difference you can make with quiet, consistent empathy and understanding when they are needed – and with normality when they are not.”