Talking about miscarriage means talking about death, and children understand death differently depending on their age:

• Very young children tend to pick up on the feelings around them, without fully understanding what has happened.
• Children under five often have some awareness of death – perhaps through the loss of a grandparent or a pet – but may not grasp its permanence.
• By around eight or nine, most children have a reasonably full understanding of death.
• Teenagers tend to think about death much as adults do.

Children may start to ask deeper questions: Where has the baby gone? When will the baby come back? These are natural questions to make sense of what’s happened, but it’s okay not to have all the answers.

Your child may also react to changes in their routine or to being apart from you, not just to the loss itself. Young children may become clingy, have tantrums, or disturbed sleep. Older children may have many questions, or go quiet. All of these behaviours are normal, though they can feel especially hard to manage when you are also grieving.

“There were no tears (not from them anyway) but they were very saddened, concerned for me really. I think they saw it as more my loss than theirs.”

“The children in my class, aged 6 and 7, were sympathetic. Their caring and understanding response made me feel it was the right decision to tell them”.

You might feel your child is too young to understand, or that because they didn’t know about the pregnancy there’s no reason to tell them about your loss. Wanting to protect them from upset is a completely natural instinct.

However, children are perceptive. Even without knowing about the pregnancy, they often sense when something is wrong, and an unexplained change in atmosphere can sometimes worry them more. They may have noticed you crying, seen you unwell, or noticed their routine has been disrupted.

If your child did know about the pregnancy, you will likely need to tell them something. They may have been with you when you miscarried, or worried about why you were in hospital. They may need reassurance that you are not seriously ill, and that what happened was not their fault.

“We didn’t tell him it was a life-threatening situation, but that the baby had died and that Mummy needed an operation to make her better.”

Children don’t always need to be shielded from difficult things, and talking honestly and in an age-appropriate way can help them learn how to cope with loss.

One of the hardest parts can be trying to hold yourself together for your child. Please know that this is an enormous thing to carry, and it’s okay if you don’t manage it perfectly.

It’s also okay for your child to see that you are sad. You don’t need to hide your grief entirely – in fact, letting them see that it’s normal to feel sad about loss can be valuable for them.

“It was so hard to know what to say to them. I was so devastated that it was hard to find the strength to try to appear normal for them”.

Every child is different, and you know yours best. But in general, many parents find it helps to:

• Think about your child’s age, how they understand things, and how they usually respond to difficult news.
• Use simple, honest language and keep explanations clear and short.
• Follow their lead and respond to their questions.
• Reassure them that the miscarriage was not their fault.
• Accept that they may think and feel about it differently from you, and that’s okay.
• Recognise that they may have comfort to offer, however, others may respond in ways we may consider ‘short’ or unexpected e.g., continuing to play or speaking about replacing the baby immediately.

There is no single right way to explain miscarriage to a child, however a few things are worth bearing in mind when choosing your words:

• Avoid saying the baby was “lost” – young children may think you mean mislaid and worry they could get lost too.
• Avoid saying the baby “fell asleep” – this can make children frightened of going to sleep themselves.
• Simple, honest explanations – even if incomplete – are usually better than complicated ones.

Here is how some parents explained it, in their own words:

“I said that there was something wrong with the baby which meant it wasn’t growing and so it died. She didn’t seem too upset about it but would talk about the baby dying now and then”. [aged 3]

“We told him that the baby was not strong enough to grow big and come out of Mum’s tummy like he did”. [aged 4]

“I told her that sometimes these things happen for no reason at all, that it was just not meant to be. I also told her that Mummy found it hard to make babies stay in her tummy and that I was extremely lucky to have her, and that she was a very special little girl”. [aged 3½]

If you have a faith, that may guide what you say. Some parents, who may or may not be religious, use explanations like “the baby has gone to heaven” or “the baby is in the sky” if they feel it will resonate with their child.

You child may worry about another miscarriage, and so you may wonder whether to tell them about a new pregnancy, or when. Some parents wait a few months, wanting to protect their child from further upset. This is understandable; however, children can notice when something is different. If you’re unwell or anxious, keeping it secret can sometimes make them worry more, not less. It’s a difficult balance, and only you know what feels right for your family.

Every child processes loss differently. As well as talking, there are other ways you might help them:

Books – Reading together can open up conversations gently and help answer questions your child may not know how to ask. We have a list of suggested books at the end of this page.

Drawing – Some children find it easier to express feelings through drawing or painting. They might make something for the baby, or for you – and that can open the door to talking.

Finding a way to say goodbye – Some families find it meaningful to mark the loss, for example:

• Giving the baby a name, which can make it easier to talk about them
• Making a memory box together, with anything connected to the pregnancy
• Planting a tree or shrub in your garden

If you miscarried later in pregnancy, there may be a funeral or a place to visit. These moments can also be opportunities for questions and for remembering together.

“My son, now 4½, has always accompanied us to the grave of his older brother whom we lost 23 weeks into the pregnancy. He knows that his brother died whilst in my tummy but I’m not sure he really understands”.

“We told our 3 year old that the baby had gone to be a twinkle star and that we would be able to see and talk to her when we needed to. She still regularly looks up at the dark night sky and talks to the stars”.

If you’re worried about how your child is coping after a miscarriage, it may help to speak to their teacher, your Health Visitor, or your GP. They may be able to refer you to a child psychologist if that seems right. Please don’t forget to seek support for yourself too. You can contact us or speak to your GP about how you’re feeling.

Nicola shares how she navigated the conversation with her five-year-old daughter here.

“The trauma of having to go home and tell our 5 year old daughter our baby hadn’t survived was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do”.

For children:

The Velveteen Rabbit
by Marjory Williams and William Nicholson
A story about a toy rabbit who learns what it means to be real – a sensitive and moving story for children, parents and teachers.

Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children
by Doris Stickney
Explains the Christian belief of life after death through a story about water bugs and dragonflies. Suitable for under-7s.

Sad Isn’t Bad
by Michaelene Mundy
Helps children accept grief as a normal and healthy process when someone close dies.

The Huge Bag of Worries
by Virginia Ironside
A little girl carries an ever-growing bag of worries. Once she finds someone to talk to, she discovers the power of sharing what’s on her mind.

Molly’s Rosebush
by Janice Cohn and Kathy Tucker
A gentle, honest story about Molly, whose mother suffers a miscarriage. For ages 4–8.

For adults and children:

Michael Rosen’s Sad Book
by Michael Rosen
Michael Rosen writes about his feelings following the death of his teenage son. An excellent book for helping both children and adults understand grief and depression.

For adults:

Helping Children Cope with Grief
by Rosemary Wells
A book for adults who want to help children with hidden fears and anxieties.