Pregnancy loss and infertility can change so much more than your plans for the future. They can change how you see yourself, how you experience your body, and how you navigate relationships with the people around you. Things that once felt simple – like celebrating someone else’s news, making plans, or answering well-meaning questions – can suddenly feel much more complicated.
When so much has changed, it’s natural that what you need from the people around you changes too. Yet knowing how to explain that, especially while you’re grieving, can feel incredibly difficult.
Our Ambassador, Elizabeth Day, shares her own experience below, including what helped her, what didn’t, and the small acts of kindness that made a difference. Whether you’re supporting someone through pregnancy loss or looking for a way to help others better understand what you need, we hope Elizabeth’s reflections offer comfort, understanding and practical guidance.
“Twelve years…
That’s how long I spent trying to have a baby. Through IVF, miscarriage, and eventually the decision to stop. I’ve written and talked about that journey a lot. What I talk about less is what I needed from the people around me while it was happening.
So, if someone in your life is going through this right now, a friend, a sibling, here’s what actually helped – and what didn’t:
Don’t disappear
The instinct when you don’t know what to say is to say less, see them less, give them space. Please don’t. Staying, even awkwardly, is the support.
Don’t manage your own discomfort by minimising theirs.
“You can still keep trying, you never know.” “Everything happens for a reason.” I understand the impulse behind these. They still land as: please make your pain smaller so it’s manageable for me. Instead, you could try saying “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m here for you in whatever ways you need” or “I might not understand how this feels, but I want you to have the space to tell me.”
Ask them what approach they’d like you to take, rather than assuming.
I wanted different things from different people at different points. The only way anyone got it right was by asking.
Show up in unglamorous, practical ways.
A meal ordered to their door. A grocery shop. A postcard saying you’re thinking of them.
Meet them halfway
It takes a great deal of bravery to announce you need comfort from outside sources, so the best we can do is meet those who are going through these times halfway. Not trying to fix anything, just not looking away.
Our heartfelt thanks to Elizabeth for sharing her story so openly, and for offering such thoughtful guidance on how we can all better support someone through pregnancy loss or infertility.
If you’re looking for more practical advice on supporting someone through miscarriage, visit our Supporting Someone Through Miscarriage page.
If you have been affected by pregnancy loss, you can reach out to our support line by calling 0303 003 6464, emailing [email protected] or starting a live chat in the bottom right-hand corner of our website.