Thinking about stopping trying
After a miscarriage, you may wonder whether you want to try for another pregnancy. You might be thinking about taking a break or stopping altogether. This may follow medical advice, or you may feel that the emotional, physical or financial cost of trying again is too much.
You might find that trying again no longer feels like something to look forward to. At the same time, the thought of stopping can be difficult or scary too.
It can take time to make sense of these feelings. You don’t need to know what you want to do before talking to someone about how you’re feeling.
Our Ambassador, Elizabeth Day
“Twelve years… That’s how long I spent trying to have a baby. Through IVF, miscarriage, and eventually the decision to stop. Experiencing recurrent loss means learning to carry grief even when society expects you to carry on. I know what it’s like to feel the pressure of trying, the hope, the sadness when things don’t go to plan, and the hard decision to let go.”
A different kind of loss
Deciding not to try again, or to pause without deciding either way, can be painful in its own way. It can mark the end of a chapter you had hoped would continue. Feeling that loss, too, is valid.
There’s no right timetable for this, and no single way to decide. Some people make a clear choice; others go back and forth, letting their feelings settle before deciding what feels best for them.
Trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant may have taken up a significant part of your life. When you stop trying, it can open up a new space, one that used to be filled with hopes and plans for a future with children. Even though it may have been difficult and distressing, the medical care such as hospital and GP appointments can leave a space too.
There may be relief in stepping away from the cycle of trying, waiting and facing difficult decisions.
Liv and I have made the decision not to continue with any further treatment. For us personally, we just needed to take back some control. Something we felt, we’d completely lost over the last 4 years. The future for us will be taking a step back from stresses and doing more of what we love.
If you read this and find yourself in a similar situation to ourselves. please remember… just because your fertility story hasn’t ended with a baby, it doesn’t make you a failure.
You may find that the raw feelings of loss ease over time. There may still be a continuing sadness, particularily around certain dates and occasions, but there can also be some comfort in remembering the brief life of your baby or babies.
If you already have a child or children, you may still grieve the family you hoped to have. Having children does not take away that loss.
“Six months have now passed since my last miscarriage. My anger has gone and I’m starting to look after myself again. I am still sad, I’m sure I always will be. My guilt will remain for not having a bigger family and for not giving our daughter a sibling.”
If you are currently facing this decision, or have decided to stop trying, please know we are here if you would like some support.
Helping others understand what you need
Our ambassador Elizabeth Day reflects on pregnancy loss, infertility and the support she needed during her experience, which included deciding to stop trying.
Her blog may help you put some of your own needs into words, or be something you choose to share with someone close to you.
We’re here to listen
Whether you are thinking about stopping, taking a break or have already stopped trying, we are here to listen. You don’t need to have made a decision to contact us.
You can call us on 0303 003 6464, email us at [email protected], or start a live chat using the orange button on the bottom right of the screen.
